


we're dancing in this world alone

by Stromesquad



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dumb Hockey Boys, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:10:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stromesquad/pseuds/Stromesquad
Summary: The day Travis meets Nolan it feels like something in his life slots into place and he's finally whole even though he didn't know he was missing a piece.
Relationships: Travis Konecny/Nolan Patrick
Comments: 45
Kudos: 262
Collections: Hockey Holidays 2019





	we're dancing in this world alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [manybumblebees](https://archiveofourown.org/users/manybumblebees/gifts).

> Happy holidays manybumblebees! I hope you love this fic as much as I do. I think I ticked a couple boxes from your dear author with this one. 
> 
> Thank you to village who were there for my while I was writing this fic. It wouldn't be what it is without all you're help and input. 
> 
> Title from Lorde.
> 
> I cannot believe I have to put this on here but you do not have permission to read this fic on your public podcast. This fic is archive locked for a reason. Podfic permission still allowed but only if you archive lock it.

The day Travis meets Nolan it feels like something in his life slots into place and he's finally whole even though he didn't know he was missing a piece. 

Travis is sitting along the wall waiting for his turn on the bikes for fitness testing when Nolan sits down next to him. Travis knows who he is, of course. It’s impossible not to know who he is, the shiny new draft pick, second overall, with people pinning the hopes and dreams of the Flyers on his shoulders. Travis thinks that's not fair probably. 

"Hey," Travis says, turning towards him. "I'm Travis, but most people call me TK." 

He sticks out his hand and Nolan takes it. Nolan's hand is big and warm, firm handshake. 

"Nolan," he replies in a mumbly deep voice.

Travis smiles. "Welcome to the team, Nolan. First day of camp sucks but not as bad as the combine. I puked at my combine like three times but I haven't puked at camp." Travis recognizes that this is maybe too much information but it's already out of his mouth before he can process that the thought has happened but Nolan lets out a laugh. 

And that's something. Travis's stomach flips over and it feels like the stars are aligning. 

"TK!" The strength and conditioning coach calls out before Travis has time to think about it further. 

"Good luck," Nolan says as Travis stands up.

Travis pukes on the bike. He definitely jinxed himself.

At lunch, Nolan drops down in the chair next to Travis, plate full of grilled chicken and more pasta than Travis has ever seen on a plate that's not his own. 

"You puked," Nolan says, teasing. 

Travis groans. "Ugh, let's not talk about that and let me replace my breakfast," he says and gestures to the mountain of food in front of him.

Nolan laughs. "What do you have for the rest of the afternoon?" 

"Besides media? Going home and laying face down on my couch until dinner. You?"

Nolan shrugs. "I'm at the hotel over here. I can't believe they make us walk to and from." 

"Ah," Travis sighs. "The Wingate. How I do not miss you. At least there's good sushi."

"Uh, where?" Nolan asks. 

"This place called Akira. It's like literally one strip mall over. They have this roll called the Flyers roll and it's got spicy tuna, lobster, and jalapeño. It's so fucking good." 

"Oh god that sounds fucking amazing."

Travis takes a bite of his pasta and chews. "I could be persuaded to skip laying face down for sushi," he says before finishing the bite.

"Bro," Nolan says, smile widening. "Let's fucking go."

"We're fuckin' doin' it." 

Media drags on and Travis doesn't see Nolan at all until the end of the day which he finds incredibly disappointing for reasons he can't really name. They meet in the parking lot at the end of the day. Nolan looks wiped.

"You sure you wanna go? You look beat." 

"Yeah. I want that sushi."

"We could…" Travis trails off. "We could get it to go and eat it sitting on your bed while we watch bad movies."

Nolan looks relieved. "Oh thank God." 

Travis smiles. "We can call in the order."

They head back inside and Travis lets Nolan study the menu. 

"Yo, do you have a roommate? Should we ask him if he wants anything?"

"Yeah. It's Frost but he was mostly hanging out with Strome, Shushko and Ratcliffe at development camp so..." Nolan shrugs. "OHL, you know how it is. I think they were going to Panera anyway." 

Travis nods. He didn't have anyone in his draft class from the O to hang out with but it's definitely easier to just hang out with the guys from your league when you're new. 

"I hope you know I'm planning on ordering everything under the sun. I'm fucking starving."

"Good. Then I'll feel less bad about considering getting and eating an entire sushi for two plate by myself." 

Nolan laughs. "They're gonna think we're ordering for like five people. I know what I'm getting." He passes the phone back to Travis and rattles off the list of what he wants as Travis makes the call. 

They pick up the sushi and head back to the hotel. Nolan's on the third floor so the elevator ride is blissfully short. They pass Morgan in the hallway. 

"I'm going to the movies with Stromer after we get back from Panera. We were gonna ask but I didn't see you so," he tells Nolan as he passes. 

"Okay," he says. 

Travis turns to him and they stand for an awkward moment in the hallway until Nolan shrugs and nods his head towards his end of the hallway. 

Travis wonders if Nolan would rather be going out but then they get to the room and Nolan sets down the food and throws himself on the bed. He's pretty sure Nolan would rather be doing this. 

Travis sets his bag on the bed and picks up Nolan's. "Let's eat," he says and hands Nolan his bag back. 

Travis pops open the lid and sticks a piece of tuna in his mouth with his hands, not even bothering to open his chopsticks first. 

Nolan laughs. "Bro that's gross!" 

"What?" Travis asks, mouth still full. "I'm fucking hungry."

Nolan throws a set of chopsticks at him, package already open. Travis breaks them apart as he swallows. 

"Happy?" He says, as he picks up the next piece with his chopsticks this time. 

Nolan nods and eats a piece of the Flyers roll Travis recommended. 

"Oh my god," Nolan says, covering his mouth as he speaks. "This is so fucking good."

"Told you," Travis says, stealing a piece off Nolan's tray. 

Nolan tries to stab him in the hand with his chopsticks. "Get your own! I'm not sharing!"

Travis pulls back and raises his hands. "Okay, okay! Here have a piece of my Samurai roll." He picks up his tray and holds it out. 

Nolan takes a piece and chews on it thoughtfully. "Good but not as good as the other one. You're forgiven for now."

Travis grins. 

They lapse into silence as they eat. Travis usually hates silence. He's always got music playing or the TV on, or he's filling the silence himself. It makes him anxious when it's too quiet but with Nolan, it's comfortable. It's comfortable silence even though they've only just met and another piece of Travis that he didn't know was wrong clicks into place inside him.

***

Nolan quickly becomes Patty and hanging out with him is a staple in Travis's day after that. They end up in the same practice groups so they stand on the ice next to each other between drills, jostling and bumping shoulders. They eat their meals side by side. Patty's even stayed over after too late video games, sleeping on Travis's couch. It's as easy as breathing, being together, in a way that Travis has only ever been easy with Lawson.

Travis knows he's a lot. He knows he's loud, and he's talkative, and he's always moving and that can be annoying but Patty just accepts it. It's easy and they're well into the preseason and Patty hasn't gotten sick of Travis even once. By now, he's normally wearing thin. He knows the guys on the team like him but not the way that Patty seems to. 

Patty's been doing well at camp so it's not a surprise when he makes the team but Travis is relieved. He didn't realize how much hope he'd been putting into this until it was rewarded. 

The team goes out for dinner after and they sit next to each other, heads bent together for most of the meal. 

"Look at you two," Wayne says on his way past them. "Old marrieds at the tender age of 19 and 20."

Patty just looks up at him and rolls his eyes and Wayne laughs as he walks away. 

"We're gonna get chirped so bad," Travis moans. 

Patty shrugs and takes a sip of the beer he's definitely not legally allowed to have in this country. "They already chirped you so bad, Teeks."

Travis elbows him in the side. "You're supposed to be on my side!" 

Patty throws his arm over the back of Travis's chair. "Doesn't mean I'm not gonna chirp the shit out of you."

Travis groans but leans into Patty. "I'm glad you're still here, Pats."

"Yeah, me too." 

***

They start the season on the road and Patty sits down next to Travis on the plane. It's a long one, all the way to San Jose.

"Be warned," Travis says. "I will absolutely fall asleep on your shoulder if you sit next to me." 

"As long as you don't fucking drool we're good." 

"I don't think I do." Travis pulls out his laptop and holds the left earbud out to Patty. "We're watching Twilight."

"Twilight? Really bro?" Patty asks raising an eyebrow but slipping the earbud in. 

"Yeah. Shut up and hate watch it." 

Travis loves this movie. He knows objectively it's not good but he really doesn't care. He will make anyone watch Twilight and he will make Patty like it. The movie starts rolling as the flight takes off and Travis settles himself against Patty's side to make sure he can see the screen properly. 

They watch the movie in comfortable silence until they get to the 'you're a vampire' scene and Patty pauses the movie. 

"Really, Teeks?" He asks, laughing.

"Yes, really. Just shh and keep watching." 

"I can't believe I managed to avoid seeing this movie with two sisters but you are the one making me watch."

"It's a good movie, Pats," he says and presses play again.

Patty gets more into as the movie continues, reacting at different points and laughing at the baseball scene but in a way that tells Travis he actually likes it.

"Okay, fine," Patty says as the credits roll. "I like it." 

Travis punches the air in triumph. "Yes! We're watching New Moon when I get back from the bathroom." He climbs over Patty and heads to the back of the plane where Claude stops him. 

"Making the rookies watch Twilight counts as hazing, Teeks," he says, laughing. 

"Not if they like it," Travis says and Claude just laughs at him more. 

"What! He did!" 

Claude just shakes his head and Travis continues on his way. 

He grabs two Gatorades on his way back and hands one to Patty as he sits. He takes a sip and then puts the laptop back on his lap. 

Patty doesn't even complain, he just leans into Travis’s side as Travis balances the laptop and turns on the movie. 

Patty pauses the movie halfway through and takes out his earbud. "They're not werewolves," he says. "Turning into wolves because of the vampires, because of genetics or whatever. They're not werewolves, they're just shapeshifters." 

"Huh?" Travis says, pausing the movie. 

"Well werewolves have to get bit to become werewolves but this is like an inherited trait or whatever. They're not werewolves and they shouldn't call themselves that," Patty says.

"What?" Travis says, raising his eyebrows. He definitely did not expect Patty to have capital O opinions about werewolves of all things. 

"I watched a lot of Teen Wolf," Patty mumbles. "You know, older sister."

"And you made fun of me for Twilight." Travis laughs. 

"Shut up." Patty face washes Travis.

"I'll watch Teen Wolf with you," Travis says. 

"You would?"

"Yeah. You watched Twilight for me. There's what like six seasons? We've got lots of time on flights and in hotel rooms. After we finish Twilight."

"I'd… I'd like that." Patty smiles sheepishly at Travis. "It's a good show."

"Well let's get working on finishing this so we can start that next. We still have like three and a half movies." 

Patty puts the headphone back in and Travis presses play. He leans his head on Patty's shoulder. He does end up falling asleep for the last hour of the flight. He wakes up to Patty gently shaking his shoulder and telling him to put his laptop away for landing.

"Don't worry," Patty says. "You didn't drool. You're allowed to sleep on me again."

"Good," Travis says and packs up his bag. 

***

They finally have a Saturday off in December during their long homestand. Patty's sitting on Travis's couch after a long night of video games, blearily scrolling through his phone, looking for things to do while Travis stands at his counter eating cold pizza for breakfast. Patty's hunched down with his phone close to his face and then sits bolt upright. 

"Bro, let's go to the zoo!"

"The zoo?" Travis asks, eyebrows raised. "Bud, it's like 0°."

Patty asks, "Don't you play pond hockey?"

"Yeah but then you're like sweating so you don't feel cold. Going to the zoo you're just, like, walking."

"So?" Patty says, rolling his eyes. "I'm from fucking Winnipeg, this is balmy. Sack up."

"Fine," Travis groans.

"Yes!" Patty says, grinning and punching the air. "Let's fucking goooo."

Travis laughs. He's pretty sure he would do whatever Patty asks if he's gonna smile like that. He shoves a bite of pizza in his mouth. "What time do they open?" he asks, chewing. 

"They're already open. They close at 3:00 though so finish your fucking pizza and let's go."

Travis eats the rest of his slice in two bites and walks into the bedroom with the crust hanging out of his mouth as he goes to get dressed. He trades in his sweatpants for a pair of ripped jeans but keeps his yellow hoodie. He shoves his black snapback on and shuffles back out into the living room. 

"Ready?" he asks. 

"Let's go."

Patty laughs under his breath as Travis shoves himself into his black puffer coat. Travis turns around and glares at him. 

"What?" Patty asks and Travis just glares harder which makes Patty laugh more. 

"Sorry, sorry," Patty says between giggles. "Let's go." 

Travis grabs his keys. He puts his mittens on as they get to his car. 

Patty stifles more laughter and Travis doesn't turn the heat as high as he normally would, just to prove he's tough. 

The drive to the zoo isn't long and parking is easy because it's freezing and December and the only person who wants to go to the zoo is Nolan Patrick because he's a freak. Well, and Travis, he guesses, because he wants to do whatever Patty wants to do.

It's not too bad at first but 15 minutes in Travis is starting to feel it. He's just on the verge of shivering and his hands are cold even in his mittens but all he wants to do is prove Patty wrong and not be a little bitch about the cold. All he wants to do is stick his hands in his armpits but he resolutely keeps them down by his sides and doesn't even stick them in his pockets. They wander around for a while and finally get to the reptile house.

All Travis can think is '_ oh thank god _' but doesn't say it out loud. His muscles unclench and he suppresses a sigh of relief. He loiters, reading plaques of information on the tanks carefully. It's not necessarily that he wants to know the information but it's dragging out their time in a heated room. 

"I didn't know you could read," Patty says, coming up behind him as he reads the plaque on the tank for the skinks. 

"I read!" Travis exclaims.

"Sure you do bud."

"I read books for my classes!" 

"Dude, Sparknotes doesn't count as reading a book." 

Travis screws up his nose. "I read magazines?" 

He really does. He has a subscription to Outdoor Canada that he reads on his phone on the plane.

Patty laughs. "Quit stalling. We've got other animals to see."

Travis grumbles but makes his way to the door and pushes out. He gets hit with a gust of wind and maybe wasting time in the reptile house was a bad idea because it feels 10 times colder than before. He shivers and tucks his hands into his pockets. 

They wander around for a little longer and Travis is full on shivering now. He's miserable but Patty looks happy and comfortable so he won't complain because 1. This would make Patty sad and 2. He would look like a little bitch and Travis would like to do neither of those things so he suffers in silence.

"Bro, you're shivering!" Patty says when they're circling past the penguins who look quite happy in the cold. 

"I'm not," Travis mumbles. "I'm f-f-fine." 

"No you’re not. Come on. I'll buy you a hot chocolate and then we can go."

"I'll take the hot chocolate but we can stay." 

They wander over to the concessions and Patty buys Travis a hot chocolate and a pretzel while Travis sits at a picnic table. When Patty comes back he reaches out his hands for the hot chocolate.

"Gimme." Travis says and Patty hands him the cup. "Mmmm, warm," he says. He takes a huge sip and shit that hurts. The hot chocolate burns his tongue and the roof of his mouth and the whole way down as he swallows. He sticks out his tongue and says around it. "Fuck! Shit! Ow! That's hot!"

Patty is laughing at him again, head thrown back, cheeks rosier from the cold and from laughing. 

Travis likes it when Patty laughs even when it's at his expense but he still says, muffled by his tongue out, "It's not funny. I don't have taste buds left." 

"Do you want a sip of water?" Patty asks, uncapping the bottle. 

Travis puts his tongue back in his mouth. "No thanks. Too cold. I will take a bite of pretzel though."

Patty holds the pretzel out. 

"Oh no, you gotta feed me a piece. I'm not taking these mittens off."

Patty shakes his head. "Not feeding you."

Travis nods. "Yeah you are bud. Come on." Travis opens his mouth expectantly. 

Patty sighs. "Fine." He breaks off a piece of pretzel and tosses it into Travis's mouth. 

He smiles around his bite of pretzel and says, "Mmm, salty."

"Do you ever not talk while you're eating?" 

"Better question is do I ever stop talking? The answer to both these questions is no."

Patty throws another piece of pretzel directly at Travis's forehead. It bounces off his head and he catches it in his hands and pops it in his mouth. He makes a face. 

"Gross. Mitten fuzz." He still refuses to take them off and takes another sip of hot chocolate trying to wash the mitten fuzz down. It's cooled off enough to not scald his mouth but still be comfortingly warm. He sighs contentedly and leans his head in his hand and looks at Patty. 

It's nice, actually, being quiet with Patty. 

Patty kicks Travis's foot. "You ready to go? I've tortured you enough for one day."

"I'm okay," Travis says and he means it, cold and all. "We can stay."

"Nah, I wanna nap."

True to his word, Patty falls asleep in the car on the way home. Travis turns the radio down and keeps his singing to a gentle hum. He shakes Patty awake when they get back to his place.

"Hey. Hey Patty. We're back."

"Hmm," Patty says blinking his eyes up at Travis. 

"Come on, you can nap on my couch," Travis says, sticking his hand out. When Patty takes it, it's warm, even through Travis's mitten. 

"Good. Couch comfy," Patty yawns and trails in the door and up the stairs behind Travis. Once they're in the apartment, Patty strips off his hoodie and stretches revealing a sliver of stomach Travis pointedly refuses to look at. Instead he plops down in one corner of the couch to give Patty room to lay down and turns on the TV. 

Patty lays down and puts his feet and Travis's lap. Travis gently rests his hand on Patty's ankle, tracing slow circles into it with his thumb as Patty drifts to sleep. He looks soft and peaceful, lips parted, face half turned into the pillow, hair rumpled. He looks kinda cute when he sleeps, Travis thinks briefly before turning back to the tv. He keeps tracing those slow circles. 

***

It's been weighing on Travis, keeping secrets from Patty and he doesn't think Patty will react badly if he comes out but coming out is always a risk. He calls Lawson who picks up on the first ring.

"Hey Trav," Lawson says.

"Hey," Travis replies.

"How are things going, bud?"

Travis picks at his fingernail for a moment, deciding if he wants to just launch into things and just as he's about to say something, Lawson asks, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Travis says. "It's just… you know how I've been hanging out with Patty a lot?"

Lawson hums, encouraging Travis to go on.

"Well, he's like, becoming one of my best friends. We're together all the time and I don't want that to change. Hanging out with Patty is like one of the best parts of my week even when we don't do anything. I like him and I want him to keep liking me but…" Travis stops and takes a deep breath. 

"But?" Lawson asks. 

"But he doesn't know I'm gay. And I'm worried." 

"Well, here's the thing. If he's not gonna wanna be your friend knowing you're gay, is he someone you really want to be friends with?"

Travis frowns at the floor. "No, not really." 

"And is there any indication that he'd feel that way?"

"I mean, no but…"

"I know it's always a risk but it's gone well so far. And you have backup in the locker room if it goes sideways."

"Yeah, I know. G said he'd kick anybody's ass, team or not." Travis sighs. "But I wouldn't wanna ruin the locker room for him and I don't… I don't know, I just want him to keep liking me and it feels like I'm lying."

"Then you should tell him. He'll either accept it or he won't and then you go on either way."

"You're right. Thanks, Law."

"Always." 

They chat for a little while longer until Lawson has to leave for a game. 

"Thanks again, Law."

"Any time. Now go tell him."

After they hang up, he texts Patty. 

**Travis: ** _ come over? _

**Patty: ** _ be there in 20 _

As promised, Patty is knocking on Travis's door with his Xbox controller in hand. 

"I brought it because the buttons on your extra controller fucking suck and they stick. That's the only reason you ever beat me in chel," Patty says before even saying hello as he steps past Travis into the apartment. 

Travis rolls his eyes. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say Patty." 

He follows Patty back to the living room. He's already changing the input to Travis's Xbox. 

"Let's fucking go!" Patty says and Travis picks up his controller. 

As it turns out, the buttons do make a difference and he loses in a game of threes 7-2 and then in a regular game 5-1. And then he keeps on winning though by slightly smaller margins. 

"Damn it," Travis says, tossing his controller onto the coffee table. 

"You suck, bud," Patty says, smug smirk on his face.

Travis scrunches his face into a scowl. "Fine, fine. You're better at chel." 

He wants to bring it up. He wants to just say, 'hey Patty, I'm gay.' He opens his mouth to say it but what comes out is "Let's just put on a movie and order a pizza." 

Patty nods and switches to Netflix. "This good?" he asks, scrolling through to some comedy that Travis honestly doesn't care about but says yes to anyway. 

As the movie plays, Travis rehearses what he's going to say in his head. All he has to do is say 'I'm gay.' That's all it is. Halfway through the movie he grabs the controller and pauses the movie.

"Hey, there's something you should probably know about me," Travis says, not taking his eyes off the TV. He can't look at Patty while he tells him this. He really likes Patty, wants him to be his friend, and he'll be crushed if Patty takes this badly.

Patty turns to look at him and Travis can feel the weight of his gaze. "Yeah?"

"I'm-- I'm uhh--" Travis stutters. He takes a deep breath. "I'm gay." 

"Oh, okay," Patty says. 

"Is that okay?" Travis asks, still not looking at Patty. 

"Yeah, obviously dude. Why wouldn't it be?"

He shrugs and finally turns to face Patty. "I don't know. Sometimes it's not." 

Patty's face falls. "If anyone gives you a hard time I'm going to kick their ass so fucking hard."

Travis laughs. "There's like a line of people waiting to kick some asses. You can go second though."

"Who's first?" 

"Me." 

Patty lets out a long laugh. 

"What?" Travis laughs back. "I can take care of myself."

And with that he tackles Patty to the floor. They wrestle until they're panting loudly and Travis is pinning Patty, valiantly fighting a boner he wished he wouldn't get. It just… happens sometimes. Doesn't mean anything. 

He springs back and sits on his heels before Patty can notice. "See? I can take care of myself." 

"Obviously, bro. Knew that already," Patty says, panting. He sits up and reaches for Travis and gets him in a headlock. He gives Travis a noogie and Travis squirms his way out. "You're tough as nails, Teeks. Wouldn't wanna mess with you."

Travis nods with certainty. "Thanks," he says and climbs back onto the couch and restarts the movie. Patty climbs up next to him and slings an arm around his shoulders. 

"You're my best friend, Teeks. You know that?"

"Yeah," Travis says. "Yeah, and you're mine."

"Good."

***

They're in Washington when Patty pauses their Teen Wolf marathon and says, out of nowhere, "You know it's okay if you wanna bring guys back and hook up while we're on the road, right?"

"What?" Travis says, startled. They haven't talked about Travis's gay thing since he came out. 

"Oh, yeah. Well you never seem to pick up at home cause you're always with me. And I figured it's like… you can't at home cause people know you there and could recognize you or whatever." 

"Oh, yeah. I don't at home ‘cause of that," Travis says.

"Well you could here. Like I could crash with Provy probably or something while you…"

Travis interrupts him. "I don't want to."

"Really? Why? The guys all know don't they?"

"Yeah, it's not that. And yeah, I'm like probably not gonna be recognized here like I would at home but it's still risky."

"Oh, okay."

"And honestly, Patty, I'd rather just hang out with you," Travis says. 

"But you're always with me at home."

"Patty, I _ like _ hanging out with you. You're my best friend, remember?"

"Well good. I just don't want you to get sick of me or whatever," Patty says and looks down at the bedspread.

"Bud, you are way more likely to get sick of me," Travis laughs. "I'm the annoying one." 

Patty looks up at him, too sincere for Travis to look back but he doesn't say anything. He just nods and presses play to continue their Teen Wolf marathon. 

Travis leans into Patty's side and Patty wraps his arm around his shoulders. Travis doesn't mean to fall asleep but he does. 

He wakes as Patty slips out of bed. The TV's been turned off and the lights are already out. 

Travis reaches out and grabs Patty's hand. "Don't," he says sleepily, not even really sure what he's asking for but Patty understands all the same. He climbs back under the covers and wraps himself around Travis. 

Travis falls back asleep to the beat of Patty's heart in his ear. 

When he wakes up in the morning, Patty's already in the shower. 

They don't talk about it, the sharing a bed. Not at breakfast, not on the flight, not when they get home, and not after they fall asleep on the couch the same way. 

***

They get home from New York too late to go out but Travis is too keyed up to go to bed yet and Patty is all too willing to climb in Travis's car with him after the game. It was a 7-4 barn burner of a game and Travis had a goal and three assists and Patty got a goal after six games without. Travis is in the mood to celebrate. He turns on the Bluetooth stereo in his kitchen to a disco playlist he has just for occasions like this, keyed up from a win but not enough to go out. He's just never had a possible dance partner before and he wants…

"Dance with me Patty," Travis says from the kitchen. He dances towards the living room, hips shaking, beckoning Patty to him. "Dance with me."

Patty shakes his head.

"Please?" Travis says, dancing his way around the coffee table. 

"I'm not dancing," Patty protests. 

"Come on. You know you wanna."

Patty sighs. "Fine," he says and takes Travis's hands. Travis pulls him up and out around the coffee table. 

They dance together and Patty's jumping around and he's laughing and he looks so, so devastatingly beautiful. He's the kind of beautiful that takes your breath away and stops your heart and Travis can't. He can't breathe or think, all he can do is feel. 

And he feels too much. His heart is full and whispering 'Patty, Patty, Patty' to him and he wants to put his hands on Patty's cheeks and pull him down and kiss him more than he's ever wanted to kiss anything in his whole life and… 

And he knows he's falling in love with his best friend. He knows he's falling in love with his best friend who he can't fall in love with. He can't fall in love with Patty because Patty is straight and there lies heartbreak. 

All he can do is keep dancing and singing along badly to disco and keep making Patty laugh. If the day ever comes that he stops making Patty laugh he might die, Travis realizes. 

"You okay?" Patty asks. 

Travis smiles brightly. He's not sure when his smile slipped. "I'm great. Just keep dancing with me."

And Patty does without question. They dance until they're breathless and Travis's cheeks are as red as Patty's and they're panting. The last song on the playlist fades out and Travis doubles over, hands on his knees, breathing hard.

"Thanks, Pats. Needed that." 

Patty just smiles down at him. "Any time."

And Patty means any time because they win the next game and Travis starts dancing in the locker room as he walks in and Patty dances towards him. He's pretty sure the guys are laughing at them, that he looks dumb, but it doesn't really matter because Patty's right there by his side. 

***

One of Travis's favorite things in the world is nights in with Patty where they don't really do anything at all, they just sit on the couch together and Travis watches TV and Patty scrolls through his phone and it's comfortable. This season has been a roller coaster full of ups and downs. They've both been streaky. The whole team has been streaky. But the one thing that remains the same is him and Patty, sitting on his couch together, doing nothing, just being. 

Travis knows tonight is going to be one of those nights when Patty shows up at his door unannounced with a bag full of take-out Thai and a six pack under his arm that Travis knows they won't actually drink tonight. He steps out of the way and lets Patty in without a word. 

"I brought you the pork pad see ew that you like," Patty says. He sets the food and the beer on the coffee table and flops down on the couch. "Sorry to just show up unannounced. I just didn't wanna be home alone and Leiersy is at his girlfriend's again."

"You know you're always welcome here, Pats."

Travis grabs a bottle opener and some forks from the kitchen and sits down next to Patty. 

"I don't really want to watch anything related to hockey right now," Patty says. "I'm just so... tired."

Travis flips to the golf channel and digs into his food. He looks at Patty and he looks, Travis can't find the right word to describe it. It's some mix of sad and confused, a little lost.

"You okay, Pats?" Travis asks, chewing a piece of pork. 

Patty nods. "Yeah, just…" He chews on his lip. "The pressure. And some other shit I need to figure out."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Travis asks.

"Not really? Things are just, I didn't think the show would be easy but I didn't think…" Patty looks down at his food. "It's just a lot with that and the other shit."

"I get it, bud. I really do," Travis says placing his hand on Patty's shoulder. "You don't have to talk about it but you know you can right?"

"I know, Teeks. Thanks." 

They finish their food and Patty says, "Let's watch some shitty Netflix romcom." 

Travis nods and changes the tv over. He hands Patty the remote so he can pick the movie and once it starts playing, he puts his arm up on the back of the couch. Travis slides over and leans into Patty's side. Patty wraps his arm around Travis and pulls a blanket over them both. 

It's warm, maybe too warm pressed up against Patty with the blanket on and wearing a hoodie but he won't move. Travis won't break this point of contact for anything. He knows it doesn't mean anything and that Patty isn't into guys and if he is, he definitely wouldn't be into Travis but he'll take what he can get and call it living. 

***

They're in Tampa when Patty says, "Hey, so I might be umm, into guys too." He's not looking at Travis, the same way Travis wasn't looking at him months ago.

"Oh," Travis says, startled. "Okay. Thanks for uh… letting me know."

Patty nods. 

"Are you gonna tell the guys?" Travis asks and when Patty doesn't answer he says, "Not that you have to or anything."

"It's a, umm, pretty recent development so I don't want to, umm, tell anyone yet."

"Well, I support you. Obviously." Travis says. "Whatever you wanna do." 

Patty smiles softly. "I know. Thanks, Teeks."

Travis turns and smiles back at him. "Does this mean I can finally talk about how hot Derek is? Because I wanna bite his pecs." 

Patty laughs, "I'm more into Stiles."

"Oh, really?" Travis asks. Something about that makes him feel a little bit hopeful but he doesn't want to think about it too much. It would be too much to ask for Patty to be into him. 

"Yeah," Patty says. "Derek's good looking but like, I don't think that's my type." 

"Oh, I like big."

"Like Crouse?" Patty asks. 

Travis laughs. "Law and I were never a thing. We're like brothers."

"Really?"

"Dude, we've known each other since we were little kids. No way. I've seen him puke his guts up with food poisoning."

"Fair enough. Have you ever actually, you know, like hooked up with a guy?" Patty asks. 

"I mean, yeah. I've kissed a bunch of guys. I had a boyfriend in juniors. He's the only one I ever really did anything with though."

"What was it like?" Patty asks. 

Travis shrugs. "I don't know. Like normal I guess? I've never hooked up with a girl so I wouldn't know the difference."

Patty hums thoughtfully. "I've never."

"Oh?" Travis says.

"Like I said, this is pretty new."

Even though it hurts to say it, Travis says, "I could wingman for you, if you want. When we're in a good road city." 

"Yeah, thanks," Patty says, brows furrowed, mouth twisted. "I'll uh, think about that."

They let the conversation drop after that. 

When they're laying in their separate beds, Patty whispers into the dark, "Hey Teeks? We could... you know, if you wanna."

That's too much for Travis to handle, and too much of a bad idea with how much more Travis feels so he doesn't say anything, just pretends to be asleep. 

It's another thing they don't talk about in the morning. 

***

Travis tries really hard not to think about what Patty said as they fly home. He wants so badly to take what Patty's offering but he knows, he knows it would be the absolute worst idea in the world. Patty's not in love with him. Hooking up for him would just be a convenient way to hook up with a guy. 

Travis is safe. Travis knows what he's doing. And while Travis doesn't know how to keep any other kind of secret, he knows how to keep this one. 

So even if it's something Travis _ wants _ it's not something he can have because for Patty it would be a maybe fun, easy, low stakes hook up. For Travis it's the highest stakes possible, heart on the line.

So Travis won't let himself have this because it's not enough. 

But he sure does think about it every night.

***

They clinch a playoff spot in a 5-0 blowout against the Rangers in the last game of the season and it feels so, so good. The team goes out to celebrate after and the drinks flow freely and Travis takes maybe two too many shots of tequila and he thinks Patty does too because when Travis says, "Dance with me," Patty takes his hand and lets himself be dragged. 

Dancing in Travis's apartment and dancing in the locker room is different than dancing in public. It's somehow more intimate despite the press of people surrounding them or maybe because of it. Travis is pressed against Patty, hips slotted together and moving to the music every so slightly off beat from everyone else. Everything is hot and sticky and sweaty and Travis's shirt is sticking to him. They dance for a long time, until Patty's hair is clinging to his forehead and he slowly stops.

Travis looks up at him, curious, and his eyes are wide, pupils dilated and he's panting. He looks hungry for something Travis doesn't want to name. 

Patty leans down. "Let's get out of here," he whispers into Travis's ear and his breath sends a shiver down Travis's spine. 

And Travis wants. He nods and takes Patty by the hand and pulls him towards the door. He doesn't ask Patty where he wants to go. He thinks he knows the answer to that. He thumbs his phone open and orders an Uber to his place. Patty doesn't let go of his hand and Travis feels like he's on fire starting in his palm and flowing up his arm and across his body. 

He's burning up with how bad he wants this and with the way Patty is looking at him, full of desire, flush from his cheeks spreading down his neck. Travis wonders how far down it goes and he can't wait to find out. 

The ride takes forever. Patty drops Travis's hand and they sit on separate sides of the car, not touching because if they touch, Travis isn't sure he'll be able to stop himself from kissing Patty right there in the cab. He balls his hands into fists and squeezes. 

He doesn't think he's ever wanted someone so badly.

They finally get to the apartment and Travis's hands shake as he unlocks the door. He almost drops his keys twice but then they're finally in the door and Travis pushes Patty against it and pushes up and kisses him. 

It's hard and hungry and biting. Travis licks into Patty's mouth and his lips part. He sucks on Travis's tongue and Travis gasps. He pulls back but Patty bites at his bottom lip as he pulls away. Travis moans and leans back in. His hands travel down Patty's sides and grip his hips tightly, pulling them closer. He rocks against him and he's so fucking hard and he can feel how hard Patty is against him. Patty moans against his mouth at the friction and the sound goes straight to Travis's dick. He's pulsing with it. 

Travis pulls back again. "Patty, can I?" he asks, rocking forward again.

"Oh god," Patty gasps. "Anything. Anything you want."

Travis sinks to his knees right there by the door and gets Patty's pants around his knees. He's wet where he's already leaking precum and Travis's mouth waters. He pulls Patty's underwear down and wraps a hand around his dick. 

Patty groans. "Teeks, please."

Travis takes Nolan's dick in his mouth and sucks experimentally, trying to find the pressure Patty likes. He finds the sweet spot and moves, licking around the head. Patty's fingers tangle in his hair and he pulls a little. It feels good and Travis moans around him. 

Patty's responsive. He pulls on Travis's hair again.

"Fuck. Shit. Oh god." He pants and before long, "Teeks, I'm gonna. Oh fuck, I'm gonna come." 

Travis lets Patty spill over his tongue, the bitter salty taste filling his mouth. He pulls off and swallows and wipes his mouth off with the back of his hand. When he looks up, Patty's looking at him, full of wonder. 

"That was," he says breathlessly. 

Travis smiles, smug and pleased. "You liked that?"

"Fuck you. What do you think?" Patty says, swatting at him.

Travis laughs. "You good?"

"Yeah, just…" Patty pants. "Need a minute."

Travis rests a hand on Patty's thigh as his breathing slows. 

"Bed?" Travis asks.

"Yeah," Patty breathes. 

Travis stands and drags him down the hallway. Once they get there he strips down to his underwear and watches as Patty does the same. 

Patty is beautiful. He's still strong and muscular, even with a season's worth of wear and tear, big in a way Travis wants to feel. His flush spreads from his cheeks down to his chest. Travis reaches out and Patty's warm, like he's actually on fire with how much he wants this and Travis feels lit up inside and out.

"I wanna," Patty says, and looks down at Travis's dick where it's tenting his boxers.

Travis nods and climbs onto the bed leaving his thighs spread to give Patty space. Patty climbs in after him and lays on his stomach between them.

"I've never," he says, looking up at Travis through lashes that are longer than Travis ever noticed. God, he's so fucking pretty. Travis blushes with the thought. 

"So you gotta like…" 

"Yeah, bud. I'll tell you what's good."

Patty leans down and pulls Travis's dick out and licks experimentally at the head. Travis hums, "Yeah, that's good." 

Patty opens his mouth and takes Travis in until he's gagging. He pulls back and coughs. Travis threads his fingers through Patty's hair and strokes gently until Patty's stopped coughing. 

“You don't have to go all the way, just use your hand for the rest."

Patty nods and wraps his hand around the base of Travis' dick and fits his mouth back around the head. He goes slow, easing himself down further and it feels good. Patty licks delicately at the head and then sucks gently and starts to move his hand up and down. 

"Mmm, yeah. That feels good. You’re doing so good, bud," Travis says breathily. "A little more pressure?"

Patty stops licking, tightens his grip and takes a little more to Travis's dick into his mouth and sucks. 

"Yeah, yeah. That's it." Travis gasps. "You feel so fucking good. God that's it right there."

Patty sucks a little harder and moves a little faster and that hits Travis's sweet spot. 

"Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah bud that's so fucking good. You feel so fucking good. Fuck yeah."

Patty hums around him. It's a sound of concentration more than anything else, the way he hums before starting a new drill, but it still feels amazing. 

"God, yeah. Keep going. Fuck. Fuck. I'm getting close."

Patty pulls off and looks up at Travis. His lips are red and wet and he looks wrecked and that's enough. He cums harder than he expects, spilling over Patty's hand, stars on the edge of his vision. 

"Good?" Patty asks.

"Yeah, bud. Real good." Travis grabs a tissue from the nightstand and wipes himself off and hands one to Patty. When they're all cleaned off he tosses them in the general vicinity of the trash. If he misses, he can pick them up in the morning. 

He slides down so he's laying on his back and Patty crawls up and rests his head on Travis's chest. He drifts off to the sound of Patty's breathing.

***

Travis wakes up in the morning with his mouth tasting like a barroom floor and the other side of his bed still warm but empty. He looks at the clock on the bedside table and it reads 11:00 am. He groans and feels the headache building, both from lack of caffeine and the number of shots of tequila he took last night. He tries to count but he can't really remember.

What he does remember is the feeling of Patty's lips on his, the taste of him in his mouth, and Patty trying so hard to make him feel good he choked himself. He closes his eyes again and sees Patty, flushed down his chest, eyes wide, lips swollen and it's too much. He rubs his eyes and groans. He needs to forget last night, three Tylenol, a cup of coffee and something really greasy. He rolls out of bed and throws on a t-shirt.

Patty's in the kitchen, still in just his boxers, already pouring coffee from the coffee maker. He holds the cup out to Travis without saying anything and pours one of his own. Travis tries his best not to look at Patty as he goes to dig through the cabinet above his sink for the Tylenol. He shakes three into his hands and swallows them with a gulp of coffee that's too hot and it burns the whole way down and then shakes out two more pills and silently hands them to Patty. Patty hums in thanks. 

Travis sits down on the stool at the counter and rests his head in his hands, hangover getting worse the longer he's awake. 

"Fuck," he groans.

Patty sits down next to him and just puts his head down on the counter. 

"I need fucking Taco Bell," Travis says and then remembers what time it is and that they stop serving breakfast at 10:00. "Or a diner." 

Patty nods without lifting his head. 

"Think you can go out?" Travis asks.

Patty nods and grumbles something unintelligible that might be "_ give me a minute _" but Travis isn't really sure. He drinks his cup of coffee, headache lessening slightly with the caffeine and meds. Just as he's finishing, Patty lifts his head and chugs his entire cup of coffee at once. 

"Let's go," and he trudges back towards Travis's room. Travis follows him and throws on a pair of sweats he's pretty sure are clean, or at the very least clean enough. When he looks up, Patty is wearing sweatpants that are probably his own since they're not too short and a t-shirt that is _ definitely _ Travis's. It's old and worn thin and way too tight across Patty's chest and shoulders and Travis tries and fails not to think about how big Patty is, how much bigger he is than Travis. He follows Patty out of the room, shoves his feet into his shoes and grabs his keys from the bowl on the counter. It goes without saying he's driving. 

Patty turns off the radio in the car and leans his head against the window as Travis drives. 

When they get to the diner, Travis doesn't even look at the menu, he just orders coffee and the biggest possible breakfast with extra bacon and lets Patty steal bites of his pancakes. They don't talk about last night. 

They don't talk about last night when they get back to Travis's and nurse their hangovers with Gatorade and bad TV, and they don't talk about it when Patty leaves to go back home and shower. They don't talk about it the next day or the day after.

But Travis doesn't stop thinking about it. He won't let himself do this again. He can't just hook up with Patty. He wants too much. He wants so much more than Patty can give him. 

He tells himself that once, just once, was okay but that he can never let it happen again. 

***

The team goes out in the first round in a series of ugly games. They get shut out in the first and let in seven goals, which fucking hurts but they get one back and blow out the Pens in the next game, but the Pens take the next two. They get knocked out in game six and Travis doesn't think he's ever felt more miserable in his life. He's sore from a couple of big hits he took in the series, bruises blooming purple and black on his hip, on his shoulder, on his ribs. Travis doesn't think he's ever been so sore.

Fuck. The. Pens.

Claude is taking the guys out for commiseration drinking but Travis just doesn't have the energy. He doesn't even want a drink he just wants… He looks at Patty sitting next to him and Patty's looking back. 

"I just wanna go home," Patty says dejectedly. 

Travis nods. "Me too." 

Travis drives himself home and changes into his oldest, rattiest sweats and crawls onto the couch to wait for Patty. He's so tired when Patty finally knocks, he considers crawling to the door. He really should have just given Patty a key. When he opens the door, Patty is leaning against it and he slumps in the door and just… 

He wraps himself around Travis and Travis lets himself be blanketed and takes Patty's weight. Patty sniffles into his shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, bud," Travis mumbles. "I'm sorry." He squeezes Patty and pulls back slightly. "Let's go to the couch." 

Patty doesn't let go of Travis the whole way there and once they're sitting he wraps himself around Travis and presses his face against Travis's neck. 

"I shoulda been better." Patty says, breath ghosting across Travis's skin. "Two points. I had two fuckin points, god. _ Fuck. _ I was the second overall. I should have been better."

"Hey, don't be like that," Travis says, stroking his fingers through Patty's hair. "This isn't on you. We _ all _ should have been better. God, fuck. Nolan, you are so good. You're so fucking talented. Sometimes I watch you and, god you're amazing. This isn't on you, Patty. You're perfect."

Patty looks up at him, eyes red and hopeless. There's only one thing Travis can think to do and Patty does it for him. Patty sits up straight and leans in and presses his lips gently to Travis's. Travis kisses him back, just as soft, exploring the possibility. 

He pulls back and rests his forehead against Patty's. "What do you want?" Travis asks. 

"Anything. Please."

And Travis will give him everything. Travis will give him every piece of himself and then some so he just nods. He stands up and takes Patty's hand and pulls him up. 

They walk to the bedroom together. 

It's not like it was last time, rushed and heated. Travis takes his time. He kisses Patty slow and warm and sweet. He tries to communicate with actions what he can't say in words. He tries to tell Patty he's worth the world with his lips. 

Travis pulls his own shirt up over his head and slips his hand under Patty's. "This okay?"

Patty nods, eyes alert and watching Travis's every move. Travis runs his hands over the planes of Patty's chest, skin warm, flush blooming further in the wake of Travis's touch. He stands on his toes and kisses Patty again. Slides his pants down and tips him back onto the bed. Travis climbs up after him, pulling his own pants down as he goes. 

Travis straddles Patty's lap, kissing him again, hands roaming. Patty lays back and pulls Travis down on top of him. 

"Please," Patty whimpers. "Please."

"Can I?" Travis reaches for the lube. 

"Anything," Patty whispers. 

Travis slips Patty's underwear down his hips and lazily strokes his dick. 

"Fingers?" Travis asks quietly and Patty nods. 

Travis slowly trails his hand down and looks back up at Patty who nods again. 

"Travis, please. I need…" 

Travis opens the lube and slicks up his fingers. He circles Patty's hole until he relaxes and Travis slips a finger in and Patty lets out a heavy breath of air.

"Okay?" Travis asks and Patty nods again so he moves. Patty makes these little punched out breathy whimpers. Travis crooks his finger and Patty moans.

"More?" Travis asks.

"Yes," Patty whispers. "Can you?" 

Travis meets his eyes. 

"Please fuck me? I just wanna feel…"

Travis knows what he means. He just wants to feel something, anything but the hopeless feeling of losing. 

"Yes," Travis says. He fumbles reaching for the drawer to pull out a condom and his hands shake as he slips it on and slicks himself up. Travis lines himself up and slides in. Patty is tight and hot and Travis is completely overwhelmed with it. He pauses to gather himself. He places a hand under Patty's knee. 

"You good?" he asks.

Patty nods. "Yeah, yeah. Please." 

Travis starts to move. He goes slow at first, watching Patty's face for any sign of discomfort but his eyes are closed, mouth hanging open. Patty makes these soft punched out sounds and Travis needs to kiss him. As he pushes in again, he leans forward and kisses Patty gently, softly. He breaks off and reaches between them to stroke Patty's dick but he presses his forehead to Patty's and they stay like that, even as Travis's thrusts get more erratic and Patty's moans get louder. 

They come together, Travis whiting out a little and then collapsing onto Patty's chest as he comes down, panting. Patty brings a hand up and gently threads his fingers through Travis's hair. 

He must fall asleep for a bit because he wakes up to Patty gently shaking him as he slips out from under him. Travis wines and reaches for him.

"Shh, I'll be right back. We just gotta clean up a little."

Travis nods and peels the condom off and tosses it in the trash and lays back down. Patty crawls back into bed next to him and pulls Travis close. He kisses Travis's head and Travis burrows in closer. They fall asleep tangled together. 

It's another thing they don't talk about in the morning. 

Instead, he texts Lawson. 

**Travis: ** _ I may have done something really stupid _

**Lawson: ** _ Oh, bud. You didn't. _

And then when Travis doesn't answer,

**Lawson:** _ We'll get you through it. _

***

Travis packs his shit in a hurry and leaves the morning after locker cleanout. He doesn't tell anyone on the team he's going before he leaves. He texts his mom to let her know. She offers to fly down and drive with him but he tells her no. He just wants to be alone. He shoves his shit that he's taking in the back of his truck and leaves the rest behind to move when he finds a new apartment. 

He cranks his saddest country playlist and drives. He stops at a truck stop three hours in for a cup of coffee and calls his mom. 

"Hey, Travis. Everything okay?"

"Yeah," he sighs and takes a sip of his coffee. "Just wanted to let you know I was doing okay. I left earlier so I'll probably be home around 8:00."

"I'll have dinner ready for you honey. Are you sure you’re okay?"

Travis isn't sure when he started tearing up but he sniffles and wipes at his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine." 

"Did you and Nolan have a fight?" his mom asks. 

Travis wipes at his eyes again. What happened was worse than a fight, if he's honest. Hurts more having something mean nothing to Patty when it means everything to him, but Travis isn't about to tell his mom that.

"No, Pats and I are fine," Travis tells her. "Losing just sucks." 

"Oh, kiddo. I know."

Travis rests his head on the steering wheel. "I just- we shoulda done better. I shoulda done better. Been smarter."

"It's not your fault, honey. This is a team sport."

This is no one's fault but his own. 

"I'm gonna go," he says. "I wanna get back on the road."

"Okay. Just keep me updated."

"Will do. Love you. See you soon."

"Love you too. Drive safe. Bye"

"Bye."

He hangs up the phone and stays with his head on the steering wheel for another minute and then shakes himself off, turns on the car, turns off his sad country playlist and puts himself back on the road home. 

When he finally pulls into the driveway, it's just gotten dark. His mom opens the door and holds out her arms. 

"Welcome home, baby," she says when he collapses into her. "Whatever happened, it's all gonna be okay." 

She's probably right. Travis is gonna make it okay. He's got a couple months to get his shit together, get a handle on his feelings, before he has to be back for Claude's wedding. He can do that, no problem. 

***

Travis thought getting over Patty would be easy with the distance. They're living 2000 km apart, getting some space and perspective should be easy but he doesn't even get a chance to miss Patty, not really. They talk constantly. 

It's Patty who texts him every day. He texts him all day, when they're on break during training, when he's sitting at home watching TV, when he's out with his buddies. It's not anything important, it's just a constant stream of chatter that Travis always answers. Patty is the quiet one. Travis is the one that's always talking, narrating every moment of his life to anyone who can hear him but… 

It's Patty who calls him every night. It's Patty who facetimes him even when the internet at his cabin is shitty and the call breaks up every five second. 

It's Patty who suggests they get apartments in the same building. He does all the research and makes the phone calls. 

And it's Patty who says, "Hey, bud, why don't I fly to you and we can road trip to Jersey for G's wedding. You gotta move your shit to the new place anyway."

"Yeah," Travis agrees. "Yeah, let's do it." 

And a week later, he's picking Nolan up at the airport with a huge suitcase,a bag carrying his suit for Claude's wedding, and a wide smile spreading across his face. He climbs into the front seat and Travis says, "Still pale as fuck I see. Thought all the time at the lake, you might get a little tan." 

Patty grumbles something about sunscreen and how Travis might get skin cancer if he doesn't start using some, and Travis pretends not to hear him but Patty smiles even bigger and Travis's heart flips. 

He hadn't realized how much he felt like a piece of him was missing this summer, but now he knows and he's glad to have Patty back with him. 

The drive takes longer with two people than it did with one but it's more fun. Patty tries to control the music but Travis slaps his hand away two hours into New York. 

"Driver picks the playlist," Travis says.

"Come on, bud! I made a playlist just for you."

Travis feels warm inside, knowing how much Patty cares about his playlists and how many hours he puts into making them for specific occasions, even if he's never listened to one before, never had one made for him. Usually they're for Maddie or his boys back in Winnipeg. 

"Okay, fine," Travis says and hands Patty an aux cord. "Have at it."

The first song is…. 

It's weirdly slow and acoustic guitar driven, by some indie band Travis has never heard of. This isn't what Travis was expecting from a road trip playlist, which when Travis makes them are full of uptempo shit. 

"You hipster fuck," Travis says, peeking over at Patty as he drives. 

"They're good songs," Nolan mumbles from where he's leaning against the door.

It occurs to Travis that they've only ever listened to _ his _ music, _ his _playlists and that this is a surprising and oddly beautiful part of Patty, a part of Patty that's intensely personal and he probably doesn't let a whole lot of people see. At least, he hadn't shown Travis.

Travis doesn't like the idea of not knowing things about Patty. 

He realizes, once they've hit the middle of nowhere and the windows are down, Patty's arm hanging out of it, that the playlist is maybe a little heartbreaking. Like maybe Patty was sad when he made it. A lot of the songs are about loving someone from afar or loving someone up close and not telling them. Travis wants to know who broke Patty's heart but he can't bear to ask. The idea of Patty loving someone else might shatter him. 

They stop for gas and food three hours into New York in some tiny town in the middle of nowhere. It's a sleepy place. One gas station, no traffic lights, a diner. He doesn't ask about the sadness in the playlist. 

***

Claude's wedding is beautiful. Travis tears up a little when Claude gets choked up during his vows and for some reason, Patty wraps his arm around Travis's shoulders. He lets it linger for a moment, a quick squeeze before he lets go, but it's nice and Travis really wishes he could just… keep leaning into Patty's side, which isn't a totally new impulse but feels like it today. 

The reception is just as nice, in a huge open space with a wide dance floor and free flowing top-shelf booze. After the first dances and the speeches, where Travis does not cry, thank you very much Patty, Wayne drags the whole team to the bar for shots. 

Travis downs two and says, "Dance with me, Patty."

Patty laughs at him. "They're gonna serve dinner any minute!"

"Don't care. Music's on, let's fucking gooooo." And he makes his way to the dance floor. He doesn't look back. He's pretty sure Patty will follow and he's not wrong. Once he gets to the middle, he starts moving to the music and turns around. Patty's laughing that laugh he only does for Travis and his heart flips. If he can't have Patty, at least he can make him laugh. They're not dancing alone for long because Jake and Oskar join them until the waiters are coming out and putting plates on the tables.

"Let's go eat," Patty says. "I need food if you're gonna drag me out here all night."

"Oh, I plan on it," Travis replies.

Patty nods and Travis follows him back to the table. The food is good and then they head to the bar and take two more shots before heading back to the dance floor. Travis is feeling it a little, a glass of champagne and three shots later. He goes all out dancing, even dragging Claude's mom onto the dance floor for a song. 

Patty's flushed and happy and at some point ends up with that stupid skinny tie around his head as he rocks out to Journey and he's laughing, laughing, laughing and Travis's heart hurts but in a good way. 

They stay until the very end, the whole team does, and they all climb in the very last shuttle to the hotel together. They serenade Claude at the top of their lungs the whole way back and Patty is still laughing next to Travis, leaning into him as he sings. 

When they get back to the room, Patty cages Travis, crowds him up against the door and Travis freezes. He knows fucking your best friend is a bad choice. Travis knows fucking your best friend that you're in love with is an even worse choice, but it's one he's made twice now and it appears to be one he's about to make again. Patty's teetering on the edge of drunk right now and he's pressing Travis against the door of their hotel room and kissing him senseless. It's the kind of all consuming kiss that sets you on fire from the inside out, and Travis feels the heat pool in his gut and travel upward and outward. He buries his fingers in Patty's hair and tugs and Patty moans into his mouth. He breaks away panting.

"Fuck, Teeks. I need…" his eyes are blazing and if Travis wasn't already on fire he thinks he'd spontaneously combust in that moment. 

He will give Patty anything he asks for and then more. He knows. He knows. He knows how stupid he's being, but he can't help but feel the piece of him that's a little bit broken click into place again. He pushes Patty back far enough so he can pull his suit jacket off and then hastily unbuttons Patty's shirt as he pushes him back towards the bed, kissing him as they go. 

Anything. Anything Patty wants, Travis will give him no matter how much it hurts. 

He lays there in bed after, head resting on Patty's chest, willing his heart to slow down. Once is an accident, twice is a mistake, three times is a pattern.

Patty runs his fingers through Travis's hair which works eventually to calm Travis's ragged breathing and racing heart. Travis thinks Patty might kiss his head as he's drifting to sleep. 

It's another thing they don't talk about in the morning. 

*** 

The next morning they pick up the keys to both their places from the new apartment building management. They're only two floors apart, apartments identical to each other. The movers bring Travis's stuff over from his old place and once that's all set up, they head to Ikea to get Patty some new furniture. 

"What kind of stuff do you want?" Travis asks.

"I don't know. Do I look like a fucking decorator?" Patty asks. "Let's just wander around until we find stuff."

Travis shrugs. He has no room to talk, his mom came down and picked out all his stuff for him last summer. It was tedious and boring, just Travis trailing after his mom while she wrote down the numbers of everything she wanted Then Travis and his dad loaded it all into the truck and built it when they got home. 

This is different though. It's more fun with Patty. 

"Look at this," Travis says, pointing to a bright orange couch. "You should get this one. Make your place orange and black."

"Absolutely fucking not," Patty says, dry and deadpan, but cracking a smile at the end. 

Travis flings himself onto a different couch. 

"Oh this one sucks. Super uncomfortable." 

Patty sits on it. "It's not terrible. And it's not that ugly."

"It sucks," Travis says. "If you buy this one, I'm not coming over."

They move onto another couch and it's better than the first one but only slightly. They try 17 different couches and Travis decides they all suck and the only good couch is his couch. 

"You're just gonna have to come down to my place," he declares. "I'm not sitting on any of this shit." 

Patty rolls his eyes. "Whatever, bud." 

They do manage to pick out enough furniture to start Patty's apartment. Bed, couch, coffee table, chairs. They pack up the boxes into the back of Travis's truck and drive them back to the apartment. 

Building Ikea furniture is a fucking nightmare for all involved as usual and Patty throws an allen wrench in the bedroom when he can't get a bolt to finish tightening on the bedframe. "Fuck!" he exclaims. “Why didn't I just pay someone to do this shit for me?" 

"Let's get something to eat," Travis says. "You're getting fuckin hangry and hangry makes you less pretty, Pats."

Patty rolls his eyes but agrees. They order pizza and eat it sitting on the floor of Patty's apartment watching Netflix on his laptop, the parts of the coffee table strewn around them on the floor. After they finish eating, Travis pulls up Spotify and puts on a playlist he made for Patty called 'dance remix.'

Travis stands. "Come on, bud. Dance break and then we finish your bed and build this fucking table."

Patty groans but takes the hand Travis offers. They dance until Patty's laughing and Travis feels satisfied. 

"Okay, let's go finish that bed frame and then the coffee table. Then we can go to my place and play chel."

The rest of the furniture building goes smoothly, no more thrown tools, and they pack up the tools and extra pieces and shove them in a drawer in Patty's kitchen and head the two floors down to Travis's. 

Patty sleeps on the couch. 

They spend the rest of the week in Philly, until his mattress and his couch get delivered and make twelve trips to Target and four to Bed Bath and Beyond to fill Patty's apartment with everything he needs for the season.

They don't hook up again and they still don't talk about it but Travis doesn't stop thinking about it at night, while he sleeps in his bed and Patty’s on his couch. 

What if? 

What if Patty wants him? 

What if Travis isn't the only one feeling everything all at once? 

What if that sad, slow playlist was about him?

It's too much to consider and nothing Travis deserves. 

Travis spends a lot of time listening to the playlist for the rest of the summer.

***

The last month and a half of the off-season flies by, packed with training, family time, and a fishing trip with Lawson. Before he knows it, it's almost September and Travis is flying back to Philly.

Patty kisses him that night, sitting on Travis's couch because Travis still hates the one Patty picked out. 

If once is an accident, twice is a mistake, and three times is a pattern, four, five and six are a habit that's going to be hard to break no matter how much Travis is aching for it to be more. It continues for weeks. 

They still never talk about it in the morning.

***

The girl at the counter at the coffee shop by Travis's place keeps smiling at Patty when he orders his coffee in the morning. She doesn't smile like that at the rest of the crowd of usuals, and she sure as shit doesn't smile at Travis like that even though he's next in line. It takes a couple of months and it's Christmas time when it happens. 

Patty looks at the side of his cup and turns it to show Travis. There's a phone number listed with _ 'xo Christina' _. 

"Oh," Travis says. Patty's cheeks are a little pinker than usual and Travis can't tell if it's the cold or the number on the cup. "Are you going to use it?"

"I don't know," Patty says, looking down and studying the handwriting. 

There's snow falling and it's catching in Patty's hair and on his stupidly long eyelashes that make girls write their numbers on coffee cups and Travis falls even more stupidly in love with him no matter how much it continues to hurt. 

God damn it. Why did Patty have to be so fucking beautiful? 

They get back in the car and drive to the rink. Travis wants Patty to say no, to toss the cup in the trash and smile politely at Christina behind the counter and pretend he never saw that phone number. He wants to tell Patty to love him, date him, but he can't because it's been months and they still haven't talked about it. If Patty wanted something more he would have said. 

So instead, when they pull into their spot in the parking lot, Travis looks out the window and says, "You should. You should call her."

"Oh," Patty says, tone neutral and careful. Travis doesn't turn to look at him and Patty opens the door and climbs out of the car. He's quiet at practice. 

On the way home, Patty says, "I think I'm gonna call her."

Travis nods. "Good."

***

True to his word, Patty texts the girl and they go on a date after they get home from the western Canada roadie, and it must go well because Patty keeps texting her and they go out again when they come back home after Christmas. She doesn't know anything about hockey, had no idea who Patty was other than a cute guy that came into the coffee shop, which Patty seems to really like. 

They go out two more times before the bye week and all star weekend. 

Travis is miserable seeing Patty date someone else, but he thinks he's hiding it well until Claude corners him after practice in early February. 

"Hey Teeks, we're getting lunch," Claude says.

"I was planning on going home and napping," Travis says. 

"Your nap can wait. Do you want to come to my place or go out?" Claude asks.

"Umm…" 

"We're going to my place," Claude decides before Travis has time to decide.

"What about Patty? I drove him here," Travis asks. 

"He can drive your car back and I'll take you home after lunch." Claude says. "Come on." 

Travis trails helplessly after Claude. He tosses Patty the keys to the car and when Patty raises his eyebrows, Travis just shrugs and points to Claude. Nolan shrugs and pockets Travis's keys. 

Once they've pulled out of the parking lot, Claude starts. "What's going on with you?"

"There's nothing going on with me," Travis says defensively. He crosses his arms over his chest and looks out the passenger window. 

"Teeks, bud, come on," Claude says. "It's pretty clear there's something."

"How would you know?" Travis mumbles.

"You've been quiet." 

"I have not!" At least Travis doesn't think he has. He's been trying so hard to be normal.

"You've been quiet for you, which means you're talking as much as a normal person, which means something is wrong."

"Nothing is wrong," Travis says, a little aggressively. "I'm _ fine. _"

Claude just sighs and is quiet the rest of the way to the house but brings it up again when they're sitting at the counter in Claude's kitchen. 

"There is something going on with you and Patty," Claude says. 

Travis sighs, "There's not, he's just dating some girl."

"Ah, you're jealous." Claude says.

"No. Yes. Maybe? I don't know. I guess I'm just lonely," which isn't a total lie. He's had a little less time with Patty because of the dating and the bye week which sucks but also he's maybe a little lonely and a little mad that he can't just go out and date somebody to get over Patty. 

"I think I'm just mad that I can't like, just do the same thing," he says, which is as close to the whole truth as he is willing to tell anyone.

Claude nods. "I get it. I mean, as much as I can anyway. If you wanted to…"

"No," Travis says. "I'm not interested in coming out. I'm not interested in being the league's poster boy, first out player." 

"Fair enough," Claude says. "I just want you to be happy."

Travis sighs. "I know. And I am mostly. It just sucks sometimes and I don't really expect anyone to understand."

Claude nods. He's a good captain and Travis appreciates him a lot. He puts his money where his mouth is with the NHL's you can play bullshit when it comes to Travis being gay. He never pushes, just lets Travis make his own choices. 

"Thanks for lunch. And for the talk," Travis says, shoving the last few bites of salad in his mouth. "But I think I wanna go home." 

Claude nods. "I'll take you home."

Patty's sitting on his couch when Travis gets back to his apartment. "Everything good?" He asks. 

"Yeah. He just wanted to check in," Travis says. "I'm tired. I think I wanna nap." 

Patty nods and stands up from the couch. "Text me when you get up and we can figure out dinner."

Travis nods and heads down to his bedroom. He hears the door shut and lock behind Patty as he lets himself out. Travis sighs and climbs into bed and sleeps.

***

Things with Patty and his girl end right before the stadium series but he doesn't seem too bummed about it. When Travis asks he just shrugs and says he wasn't feeling it and neither was she and Travis _ hates _ that he's so relieved to have Patty to himself again. It's not a good feeling and Travis knows he has to learn to get his shit together where Patty's concerned.

But that doesn't seem to be on the agenda after they win the stadium series. Patty gives him a look as they dance toward each other, celebrating in the locker room. 

Travis knows that look and he's powerless to stop it when Patty kisses him in the elevator after celebrating with the team. He tastes like beer and bad decisions but Travis lets it happen. He lets Patty kiss him the elevator and kiss him inside the door. Lets Patty strip him out of his clothes and suck him off, kneeling on the floor next to Travis's bed. 

He promises himself it's the last time, but it's a promise he doesn't keep. It's another series of things they don't talk about in the morning. 

***

The season ends not with a bang, but with a death gasping whimper of five straight losses. Travis can't even look at himself in the mirror after the last one. He has to make a change so when Sanny asks him if they want to get a house and live together next year, Travis doesn't even hesitate to say yes. He doesn't want to live in this building anymore. He'll never move on and let go, living in easy reach of everything he wants but can't have and keeps sleeping with anyway. He needs to cut himself off cold turkey.

As they drive back from a very depressing locker cleanout and exit interview day, Travis tells Patty. "Sanny asked me to move in with him next year. He wants to get a house and I don't really love living in the city anyway. I'm letting management know today."

"Oh, okay," Patty says. "If you're not staying here, I'll start looking for something too. Do you know where Sanny wants to get a house?"

"Not sure yet but I'll let you know."

Travis always likes going home, but he's never wanted to get home more than he does after he gets back into his apartment that day. It's been a soul crushing year in so many ways that he can't wait to put behind him.

***

Travis is only home for 12 hours before his phone rings. He checks it and it's Patty. Travis doesn't really want to answer but he doesn't want to deny the call so he just lets it ring through to voicemail. 

Getting Over Patty Part One: Ignore phone calls.

His phone flashes the notification for a missed call but there's not one for a voicemail so it's probably not important but he gets a text a few minutes later. 

**Patty: ** _ Home totally going fishing this weekend _

Getting Over Patty Part Two: ignoring texts. 

It's an easier start than Travis expects because Patty doesn't text or call for a whole week. He gets shitty reception at his fishing cabin so it's not a total surprise not to hear from him, even if he did call from there last year. 

**Patty: ** _ fishing was great _

**Patty: ** _ you go out on the boar yet _

**Patty: ** _ *boat _

Travis doesn't answer. Instead he turns his phone on silent and shoves it between his couch cushions to resist the temptation. 

Get Over Patty Part Three: Spend too much time with Law.

Travis drives over to Lawson's as soon as he knows he's home. The door is unlocked and he lets himself in. 

"Hey bud!" Lawson calls from the kitchen. "Wasn't expecting you." 

"Well here I am," Travis says, and sits down heavily in a kitchen chair. 

"You okay?" Lawson asks. 

"Not really," Travis says and leans his chin on his hand. "It's just…" he trails off.

"Patty?" Lawson finishes. 

"Patty," Travis confirms. "I don't know how I'm supposed to get over this. I'm trying to keep my distance this summer. I don't know."

"It's only been a week," Lawson replies, pulling two beers out of the fridge and setting one in front of Travis. Travis takes a grateful sip. 

"I know. And he's been away for most of it. I just don't know if I can keep my distance. It's…"

"You've gotta talk to him," Lawson says. "You can't just like, cut him out and not talk to him. You know that right?"

Travis rolls his eyes. "Sure. Telling him how I feel is gonna go so well. He'll be all concerned and I'll feel worse. I'm not telling him. I'm just gonna…"

"Ignore him? Trav…" Lawson's eyebrows are drawn together and lips pursed. 

And Travis thinks Lawson feels bad for him. Feels bad for him that he fell in love with his best friend. Travis doesn't want pity. 

"No, don't be sorry. It's not your fault. I did this to myself."

Lawson sighs. "I'm still sorry you're hurting." 

Lawson always was the most emotionally mature of his friends. It's like him to say that.

"Can we just drink beer and play video games and let me forget about my sorry life with my sorry team and my sorry feelings." 

"Of course. Here all summer."

"Thanks bud," Travis says.

"Any time, Trav." 

Travis doesn't take Lawson's advice. He does not talk to Patty. He continues to ignore texts, phone calls, FaceTime requests and mostly turns his phone completely off. He deletes his voicemails, which Patty eventually starts leaving, without listening. He focuses on working out, fishing trips, and mostly keeps his phone off to resist the temptation. It's a really long summer made longer by his contract holdout. His mom comes to stay with him for a few days when training camp starts. 

"I didn't want you to be lonely," she tells him. "I know it's hard but you're doing the right thing. I'm sure they all miss you too."

Travis can tell she means Patty when she says it but she doesn't push and he doesn't say anything. He just keeps working out until his contract comes through.

***

Travis's contract holdout ends just as the preseason begins. He learns three things:

Patty isn't playing and they're not sure when he will. He's been having migraines, a lot of them, and he's had more bad days than good.

Patty's living with Kevin Hayes.

There are now things he doesn't know about Patty. 

He gets his stuff in the house and drives straight to see Patty. 

Kevin answers the door. "Oh, hey. Wasn't expecting you."

"Is Patty here?" Travis asks. 

"Yeah, he's in his room. Do you want me to get him?"

"Yeah. Umm, yeah. If he's okay."

"He's having a good day, so yeah. Come on in." 

Kevin directs Travis to the couch, where he sits down and looks at his hands. How did he miss this? How did he not know? They said Patty's been dealing with this since _ June _! The whole summer and Travis didn't know. 

He's a shit best friend.

Patty comes out of his room and there's a shadow to him that wasn't there before, like he's haunted. 

"Hey," Patty says wearily. 

"Hey," Travis says, willing himself not to cry. It hurts looking at him. It hurts looking at Patty in pain and scared and like he doesn't know what to make of Travis. 

Patty sits down on the couch. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Travis asks. "Why didn't you tell me what was going on?"

Patty shrugs. "I tried but you weren't answering my calls." 

Travis feels like shit. "I'm sorry. God, I'm so fucking sorry. Some best friend I am."

Patty looks at him and studies him for a moment. "I feel like I should be more pissed at you than I am. You cut me out, Teeks, and I have no idea why."

"I'm sorry. I was…"

"Look, you were clearly going through something and I have no idea what it was or why you wouldn't… But you're here now, so."

"I don't think I'll ever stop being sorry," Travis says, looking down at his hands. "You're my favorite person, Pats. I shoulda been there."

"Yeah, you should have. But you're here so let's just… let's just move on. I'm tired and I don't wanna fight with you. I want you to be here. It's just…" Patty sighs.

"I'm gonna make it up to you. I swear." Travis says. He's crying now and he wipes his face. "I'm gonna make it up to you."

"I know," Patty says. He puts his arm across the back of the couch and nods to Travis, inviting him back in and Travis slides in and tucks himself into Patty's side. 

A piece of him clicks back into place and he fights down a sigh of relief.

"I promise, I'm not gonna do anything like that again."

He's still in love with him. He's still in love with Patty and yeah that hurts but his self imposed isolation hurt worse and it meant he wasn't there for Patty when he needed him and he's never gonna do that again.

***

It's weird and hard starting the season without Patty. Travis would have had his own room on roadies now anyway, but pieces are missing without Patty there. Travis loves the guys but it's just not the same. He can't get comfortable on the plane and climbs over Oskar and paces the aisle. 

Claude grabs his arm as he passes on his sixth trip up and down the aisle. He's sitting alone so he pulls Travis down into the seat next to him. 

"You okay, kid?" Claude asks, eyebrows drawing together. "You seem a little jittery."

"Yeah," Travis says. "I'm fine. I just…" he trails off and sighs.

"Missing Patty?" Claude asks. 

"Yeah," Travis says and runs a hand through his hair. "I had a weird summer and I just…"

Claude nods "I get it. If you want to sit here for a little bit, you can." 

"Thanks. I think I might go play cards for a bit."

"Well, if you wanna talk…" Claude says, leaving the statement open for Travis. 

"Thanks, G. I'll uh, I'll come to you if I need anything."

Claude lets Travis go and he wanders over to play cards. 

When they get into Vancouver, Travis sits in his empty hotel room and looks around. It's like every other hotel they've ever stayed in except Patty isn't there. It's too quiet and Travis can't fill that space with chatter with no one to talk to. He turns on the TV just for the noise but he's restless and somehow, it's still too quiet. 

Travis pulls his phone out of his pocket. It's 8:30 in Vancouver which means it's 11:30 at home. It's too late to call Patty and even if it wasn't, the light might bother Patty and the last thing he wants to do is make things worse. 

**Travis: ** _ you up? _

Instead of a text back, he gets a FaceTime request. He slides it to answer and Patty's there, laying in his bed, the soft, warm glow of the bedside lamp illuminating him. He's soft and rumpled and Travis wants to reach through the phone and run his fingers through Patty's hair. Patty is still so beautiful it almost hurts to breathe. 

"Hey," Travis says. 

"Hey," Patty says smiling softly at Travis. "Miss me yet?"

"Yeah," Travis replies. "No one here sucks as hard as you do at poker. Much harder to win."

Patty laughs. 

"I still won but I had to work for it." 

"How much?" 

"200 bucks. Big games." 

"Oh, hey. You taking me out with that money when you get back?" Patty says. 

Travis's heart stops in his chest, misses what feels like 10 beats. Patty doesn't mean it like that. He definitely doesn't but God does Travis want. 

Patty shifts in bed to sit up a little straighter and it pulls his shirt that's already stretched at the neck to reveal the dip of his collar bone. God does Travis want. 

"Teeks?" Patty asks.

And he must have been quiet for too long because Patty has this look in his eye and he says, "We could…" 

God does Travis want and want and want. But he can't. 

"No, we uh, shouldn't. It's…"

"You're right," Patty says. "I just…" He doesn't finish, he just gives Travis a long look that Travis can't read. 

They sit in silence for a moment and Travis thinks that maybe someday, when things are less fragile, they'll be able to talk about this.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" Patty asks. 

Maybe someday they can talk about it but not today. 

"Yeah, what do you wanna watch?" Travis asks. 

"I don't care. Just wanna hang out with you."

Travis picks a movie and they set it to play through Netflix Party. He half watches the movie until Patty falls asleep and then he just watches Patty, the rise and fall of his chest, the way the tightness that's been in his face smoothes out in his sleep. 

Travis wishes he could kiss Patty, just softly on his forehead, barely there so not to wake him. He gently presses a kiss to the screen. 

"Goodnight Patty, He whispers and hangs up the phone.

Maybe someday they'll talk about this in the morning.

***

When they get back, Travis really does take Patty out for dinner when they get back. They go to the same sushi place as always. Patty's having a good week. No headaches, feeling solid, skating a lot. He's just Patty. 

They're half way through dinner when Patty starts to turn a little grey around the edges. He picks up his chopsticks and then sets them back down on the table and rests his head in his hands. 

"Pats, you okay?" Travis asks. 

Patty shakes his head. 

"Do you wanna go home?" 

Patty nods. "Please," he whispers, barely loud enough to hear. 

Travis pulls out his wallet and throws enough money on the table to cover their order, and pulls Patty up and then they head to the car. 

Once they're inside, Patty covers his eyes with his hands and says, "I'm so sorry Teeks. You didn't even get to finish."

"Hey. It's okay," Travis replies. "It's not your fault bud. You didn't ask for this. What can I do to help?"

"Can we… no music? And do you have anything I can use to cover my eyes? The light. It really…" 

"Yeah." Travis reaches into the back seat and finds a hoodie. "Here."

"Thank you," Patty says and covers his face with it.

Travis drives them back and Patty hands him the keys. Travis unlocks the door and lets them in. Kevin's sitting on the couch when they get back. He takes one look at Patty and heads to the kitchen. 

Patty heads towards his bedroom and Travis trails after him. He feels so utterly helpless. He doesn't know what to do. He hasn't seen Patty like this and he doesn't know what to do and he doesn't wanna ask. Patty strips down to his boxers and curls up on his bed.

Kevin knocks on the bedroom door and shoves a glass of water, a bottle of pills, and an icepack into Travis's hands. 

"Here. Sometimes he doesn't want to take the pills, but he gets two, and make him finish the glass of water. He might not need the ice pack but…"

"Thank you," Travis whispers and his hands shake as he takes everything from Kevin. 

He sits down on the edge of the bed and runs his hand through Patty's hair. 

"Hey, hey. I have your meds if you wanna sit up and take them."

Patty nods into the pillow and sits up. Travis shakes two out into Patty's palm and then hands him the glass of water. Patty takes both at once and finishes the glass of water in three gulps and lays back down. Travis tries to stand but Patty reaches out and grabs his hand.

"Stay," he mumbles. 

"Yeah, sure." Travis lays down and faces Patty. 

Patty mumbles something Travis can't quite understand. 

"What?" 

Patty turns his face out of the pillow and says, "It felt nice when you…"

Travis reaches out and runs his hand through Patty's hair. "Like that?"

"Yeah," Patty sighs. 

Travis lays there with him for a long time, until his ragged breathing steadies and Travis is sure he's asleep and then stays a little longer. He hates seeing Patty hurting. He hates that he didn't know what to do. He hates himself because it's his fault he doesn't know these things, but he's going to learn, and he's going to be there as much as Patty will let him for as long as he'll let him. He won't fuck up again. 

He gently kisses Patty's forehead, climbs out from under his arm and heads to the living room where Kevin is sitting on the couch. 

"He get to sleep?" Kevin asks, without looking up from his iPad. 

"Yeah, he's out." Travis says and sits down. 

"You don't have to stay," Kevin says with more force than Travis thinks is necessary. "He should be out for a while." 

"I don't mind," Travis says.

"Suit yourself," Kevin says and goes back to his iPad. Travis dicks around on his phone for a while, not sure what to say or do but Kevin eventually breaks the silence. 

"You really hurt him, you know that?" 

"I…" Travis starts, but Kevin holds up a hand. 

"No, listen. You really hurt him and you're not allowed to do that again. This has been real hard for him and you can't just quit on him again, because he likes you too much."

"I… that's not what happened." Travis says. He doesn't really want to tell Kevin about what happened or how he felt, or still feels. 

"I don't really care what happened but you quit on him and he needed you. You do that again…" 

"Wait, are you giving me a shovel talk?" Travis asks. He's a little in shock. 

"Do you need one?" Kevin gives Travis a harsh look. 

Travis looks down at his hands. "Thanks," he says quietly. "For looking out for him when I…" 

"Look you were a real shithead last summer, but Patty is willing to forgive you and everyone on this team seems to love you, but if you fuck up again…"

"I won't," Travis promises. "I won't. I swear. Patty, he… he means everything to me."

"You better fucking act like it, Travis."

It's the first time anyone on the team has called him Travis, which is jarring. 

"I promise."

Kevin nods, satisfied. "Do you wanna play COD?"

Travis nods and Kevin tosses him a controller. 

A few hours and several deaths later, Patty wanders out of the bedroom and lays down on the couch with his head in Travis's lap. Travis reaches down and gently strokes his fingers through Patty's hair. 

"Will you stay over?" Patty asks.

"Yeah, anything you want Pats." 

Patty nods into his thigh. 

"Thanks. For letting me back in."

Patty just nods again. 

Kevin looks at them and then nods at Travis. "I'm going to bed. I'd offer to loan you shit but you're too fucking small. Might be smaller than Johnny." 

Patty snorts. 

When Travis falls asleep that night, it's next to Patty and it feels like home.

***

Travis gets a concussion in December. He takes a bad hit and when the trainer comes out he's still on his knees. He feels a little wobbly and he knows it's over the second he sits down in the locker room. His head feels both full of cotton and like it's being stabbed with ice picks at the same time and he kind of wants to die. The doctor checks him over and tells him he's out for the game and for at least a week. He shouldn't drive but his car is here and he's too thick to think anything other than "I want to go home."

Patty sits down next to him in the locker room as Travis strips out of his gear. 

"You out?" he asks. 

Travis nods sadly which makes his head hurt worse. "I just wanna go home."

"I'll drive you," Patty says. "I rode in with Haysey. He can pick me up tomorrow."

"You don't have to."

"No, but I want to," Patty says softly. 

Travis looks at him. Patty's looking at him, eyes tight and like he wants to reach out and touch him. Travis leans closer and Patty runs a hand through Travis's hair. It's gentle and it feels nice the way it must during Patty's headaches. He pushes into the touch. 

"Okay, Patty," he whispers. "Take me home." 

He gets dressed in sweats and Patty carries his suit out to the car for him. He closes his eyes and he drifts until Patty gently shakes his shoulder. 

"Teeks, you're home." 

Travis hums which makes his head throb so he just follows Patty toward the house. He drinks a Gatorade and wills his stomach not to heave. 

"I just wanna lay down." 

Patty nods and lets Travis lead him down to his bedroom, and doesn't stop him when Patty crawls into bed next to him and strokes his hair. 

"I'm sorry. I know this sucks so much."

Travis sighs. "Not my first but hopefully my last. Let's just hope it gets better soon." He closes his eyes.

He dreams that Patty kisses his hair.

***

Patty goes on the road trip that swings through Winnipeg so he can see his family even if he's not playing and Travis stays home. He has never once in his life cared so much about being on his phone but right now he's not allowed to be. He's not supposed to watch TV. He's not supposed to do much of anything except "let his brain heal." 

But all he wants to do is talk to Patty. Things are going so well and they've rebuilt so much since September and Travis feels his absence like a gaping hole, almost as bad as his self-imposed exile this summer. 

Things are just. 

He loves Patty. He loves Patty so fucking much but he thinks he can learn to live with the ways that hurts because the rest of it feels good. 

Travis really doesn't like being alone. He texts Patty. 

**Travis: ** _ pats i'm bored help me _

**Patty: ** _ you're not supposed to be on your phone _

**Travis: ** _ please _

**Patty: ** _ turn on the blue light filter on your phone _

Travis does as he's told and his phone chimes with a FaceTime request from Patty. 

"I'm making you close your eyes in five minutes, but I know you won't shut the fuck up otherwise," Patty says. He sounds grumpy but he's smiling. 

"Hey bud," Travis smiles back. "Just talk to me?" 

"God, you're so fuckin needy." Patty's smile grows impossibly wider. 

"Yeah, but you love me anyway," he says without thinking. 

Patty freezes for just a second but then rolls his eyes. "Whatever you say."

"Tell me about Denver," Travis says and Patty does. 

Travis does close his eyes in the middle of Patty's story about Kevin and a steak, and just lets Patty's voice wash over him, warm and comforting. 

***

It's Christmas Eve and Travis is alone. Sanny flew home after the game last night. There's a knock on Travis's door at 11:30 pm. He was just turning off the lights and getting ready for bed. There's only one person it could be this late. He opens the door and Patty's standing there, eyes alert and determined. 

"Patty? Is everything okay?"

Patty pushes past him and sets his phone on the counter. He presses something and music starts spilling from Travis's Bluetooth speakers. It's slow and soft and nothing like Travis would expect to come from Patty's phone.

"Dance with me, Teeks," Patty says. 

"What?" Travis asks, stunned.

"Dance with me," Patty says, eyebrows drawing in. "Please," he pleads.

Travis can't say no, not when Patty looks like this. Not when Patty looks like he will shatter into a thousand pieces if Travis says no. He nods. 

Patty takes the five steps that separate them so fast it almost seems like he's flying. He wraps his arms around Travis and pulls him close. Travis rests his head on Patty's chest and Patty rests his cheek on Travis's head. They sway to the music in the soft glow of the lights of the Christmas tree until the song stops and Travis pulls away. 

Patty doesn't let go. 

"Patty I…" Travis starts. He doesn't know what he really wants to say, but he can't do this if it's going to be like before. He feels his eyes start to water. He wills himself not to cry but he's not successful. A tear slides down his cheek anyway. 

Patty places a gentle hand on his cheek and wipes the tear away. He leans in and kisses Travis gently. 

The thing is, Travis has kissed Patty before. He knows the feeling of his lips, a little chapped and dry from hours spent in the rink, knows the feeling of Patty's skin, hot, burning beneath his hands, knows the feeling of Patty shaking apart. The problem is it's never meant anything. Well, it's meant something to Travis, but never for Patty. And God that fucking hurt. It hurt every single time they touched but Travis lived through the pain because having Patty this way was better than not having Patty at all. And he was right, even though they've been rebuilding, not touching Patty has been just as painful as touching him, but he can't make himself let go. He can't let himself have this if it's not real, if his feelings aren't returned. 

But now….

"I'm in love with you Teeks," Patty breathes as he pulls back. He rests his forehead against Travis's. "God I'm so in love with you, and I can't not tell you anymore because it's tearing me apart."

Travis doesn't even think, he moves. He surges up and kisses Patty back, pouring every ounce of love he's felt and hidden in the last two years into this one meeting of their lips.

And for the first time, it doesn't hurt. For the first time, it's full of hope and joy and possibility. 


End file.
